Quotes Aplenty

These have been sitting around for a while, waiting to be posted. Sorry if some are stale!


Erika: He asked me how I could be friends with a guy, because guys just want one thing.
Scott: Specifically? By keeping my penis out of your vagina.


Mike (with the best quote of Thanksgiving): Screw her and her shoulda had a c-section conehead baby...


Teacher: Let's have 30 seconds of silence...
Scott (to Jessica, one of my students): Is this the hardest part for you?


Scott (about a student at Valley): You don't know... Maybe he left his helmet in his locker.


Kim: But... You're not getting any bacon!?!?


Kendall: The carpet at some casinos looks like Fraggle skins.
Scott: Look! It's Red!
Kendall: Ohhhh....


Melissa (former student seeing me at the school she's subbing at): It's surreal to see you here...


Scott (to Jessica, a student I was observing, in regards to her midterm performance evaluation): Do you have anything to say?
Jessica: Wel...
Scott (cutting her off): We don't care anyway.


Mathematician at the MAA conference: "...by our standards, a perfectly normal person..."

Scott (at the conference, while they tried to fix the projector above Blessed's head): And then they killed Xudong...

Scott (at the conference): I was wrong... Math CAN get worse...

Mary Ann (at the conference): That guy has a wedding ring on...


Kevin (regarding his toe): No! I wasn't even drunk yet...


Scott: Do you know about the Monty Hall problem?
Amanda: No, I get laid.

Amanda (on how Scott should go in her place to Dr. Lei's class): Just tell him you got stung by a bee.

Amanda: The black guy's the real Amidala...

Amanda (about me): Your gayness knows no limit.

Amanda: Lets hurry up and do it, and then we can play Star Wars.

Amanda: I feel bad because I'm like all cordial to their face and stuff...

Amanda: Why do you need so much bacon?
Scott: So we can weave it...

Amanda: I do better as things get harder... You shut your mouth...

Amanda: You're the only person I make abortion jokes with.

Amanda: I will put a caveat *

Amanda (on the bubbling-over bacon cheese and bacon quiche): It's a good thing we didn't put spinach in it.

Amanda: He has hospice care to get dressed in the morning... Why is he teaching math?

Amanda (on Golden Flower's iced tea): I'm gonna get this down to a quarter a glass...


Branson (on how he'd let Isaac know about marrying his mom): Not so much roommate as stepdaddy...


Drunk Chick (at the Diamond Lounge at the Rio): So my son lost his volleyball game today. He sucks. He really does.


Tia: We're playin double 4-ways...
Branson: That's dirty...


Branson: The proof is in the puddin, puddin.


Branson (in instant message): Went to Pensacola, FL last week. Got stung by a jelly fish not once, but twice. (Different one!) Ate crabs and drove by a Piggly Wiggly. (They do exist)


Tia: I need to make a peach cobbler.
Scott: NEED??
Tia: Steven gave me like 3 bags of peaches.
Scott: I think that's the first time 'need' was right with you.


Danielle (pregnant student in my class, taking two candy bars from a bag I'm holding): Don't judge me...


Erin (singing, playing Rock Band): No! Quit saving me!


Mike: Do you remember the first time we met?
Scott: No... Where was it?
Mike: It was at the Art Bar. Do you know how I knew you were cool? It was like five minutes after we met--you pulled out your cell phone and showed me a porn movie.


(Can't remember who said it): Santa's coming!
John (under his breath, looking at me): That's what she said.


John: I totally have you to blame for this you jerk... We're sitting at dinner with company, and Jaidyn starts to tell a joke, "There's 4 white guys and a Mexican..."