Quotes Aplenty

These have been sitting around for a while, waiting to be posted. Sorry if some are stale!


Erika: He asked me how I could be friends with a guy, because guys just want one thing.
Scott: Specifically? By keeping my penis out of your vagina.


Mike (with the best quote of Thanksgiving): Screw her and her shoulda had a c-section conehead baby...


Teacher: Let's have 30 seconds of silence...
Scott (to Jessica, one of my students): Is this the hardest part for you?


Scott (about a student at Valley): You don't know... Maybe he left his helmet in his locker.


Kim: But... You're not getting any bacon!?!?


Kendall: The carpet at some casinos looks like Fraggle skins.
Scott: Look! It's Red!
Kendall: Ohhhh....


Melissa (former student seeing me at the school she's subbing at): It's surreal to see you here...


Scott (to Jessica, a student I was observing, in regards to her midterm performance evaluation): Do you have anything to say?
Jessica: Wel...
Scott (cutting her off): We don't care anyway.


Mathematician at the MAA conference: "...by our standards, a perfectly normal person..."

Scott (at the conference, while they tried to fix the projector above Blessed's head): And then they killed Xudong...

Scott (at the conference): I was wrong... Math CAN get worse...

Mary Ann (at the conference): That guy has a wedding ring on...


Kevin (regarding his toe): No! I wasn't even drunk yet...


Scott: Do you know about the Monty Hall problem?
Amanda: No, I get laid.

Amanda (on how Scott should go in her place to Dr. Lei's class): Just tell him you got stung by a bee.

Amanda: The black guy's the real Amidala...

Amanda (about me): Your gayness knows no limit.

Amanda: Lets hurry up and do it, and then we can play Star Wars.

Amanda: I feel bad because I'm like all cordial to their face and stuff...

Amanda: Why do you need so much bacon?
Scott: So we can weave it...

Amanda: I do better as things get harder... You shut your mouth...

Amanda: You're the only person I make abortion jokes with.

Amanda: I will put a caveat *

Amanda (on the bubbling-over bacon cheese and bacon quiche): It's a good thing we didn't put spinach in it.

Amanda: He has hospice care to get dressed in the morning... Why is he teaching math?

Amanda (on Golden Flower's iced tea): I'm gonna get this down to a quarter a glass...


Branson (on how he'd let Isaac know about marrying his mom): Not so much roommate as stepdaddy...


Drunk Chick (at the Diamond Lounge at the Rio): So my son lost his volleyball game today. He sucks. He really does.


Tia: We're playin double 4-ways...
Branson: That's dirty...


Branson: The proof is in the puddin, puddin.


Branson (in instant message): Went to Pensacola, FL last week. Got stung by a jelly fish not once, but twice. (Different one!) Ate crabs and drove by a Piggly Wiggly. (They do exist)


Tia: I need to make a peach cobbler.
Scott: NEED??
Tia: Steven gave me like 3 bags of peaches.
Scott: I think that's the first time 'need' was right with you.


Danielle (pregnant student in my class, taking two candy bars from a bag I'm holding): Don't judge me...


Erin (singing, playing Rock Band): No! Quit saving me!


Mike: Do you remember the first time we met?
Scott: No... Where was it?
Mike: It was at the Art Bar. Do you know how I knew you were cool? It was like five minutes after we met--you pulled out your cell phone and showed me a porn movie.


(Can't remember who said it): Santa's coming!
John (under his breath, looking at me): That's what she said.


John: I totally have you to blame for this you jerk... We're sitting at dinner with company, and Jaidyn starts to tell a joke, "There's 4 white guys and a Mexican..."

As my mother always used to tell me, "...wipe from front to back, Susan."

Oddly enough, she didn't actually ever say that. I just thought it may capture your attention. Yay, it worked!

I need to catch up on some posting, so here goes some random pictures (if you want them explained, you can click on 'em to see 'em full size with captions):

Agressive Craps

I, uhh... $#!t you not, I just saw a bus with that advertised on the side. Apparently I'm made to think I should go to aggressivecraps.com, and not actually have them. Whew.

Application Failure Detected

So, last Thursday PJ and I went to the I-Bar (Ipanema-Bar, get it?) at the Rio for Microsoft's Virtual Surface thingymabobber.

(using my paws to manipulate camera views)

Fun how we managed to crash every application that the table ran. Not even on purpose! It was a little more than just trivial amounts of fun--the best part came up when PJ discovered the YouTube search function, and brought up a video of himself (with our old band SP7 music playing in the background).

PJ's blurb from his blog: "Anyway, I went to iBar inside the Rio last night for a media party celebrating the launch (a few months after installation) of the Microsoft Surface interactive tabletops located at six booths at the Rio's center bar. iBar isn't typically much fun, but playing with these tables and imbibing a lot of free cocktails made for a pretty good time. Unlike the artsy-psychedelic units at The Beatles REVOLUTION Lounge in the Mirage or the now-kinda-low-tech tables at Tabu inside the MGM Grand, the iBar tables allow patrons to play virtual games such as bowling or a memory game, play YouTube videos, flirt with other tables, plan Vegas activities and even order drinks."

They're not ready for primetime yet. Interesting--specially printed business cards, when dropped onto the table, have special animations displayed on the screen underneath of them. No matter how many times I put my phone on the table, it did nothing special.

Light Bathroom Reading Material

I decided to make some nice copies of the paper I published for my Masters degree. For those of you that don't know, in May 2008 I gave a talk and presented my paper, "Algorithms of the Chinese Remainder Theorem." This is the same paper in which the 75-word abstract elicited the comment from my brother, "Thanks, now I'm sterile."

Well, I don't know exactly what I was expecting from the people I sent it to. I did get the typical comments about how it was all Greek to them (har har), and that it was a bit 'too much'. I wasn't writing for 'them' as my audience anyhow, but I figured those that had supported me in my field should get a copy.

Fast forward to a few days ago, my uncle Bob was visiting. I'd sent him a copy in May, and had never heard anything. We were sitting next to eachother on the couch at my dad's house and he turned to me and said, "Algorithms of the Chinese Remainder Theorem, huh?" It appeared that, indeed, he -had- received the copy. He further went on to say that he had put it in his bathroom, as one of those 'I'll read it when I'm on the pot' type materials. He said, "Since that's been in there, I've had the quickest trips to the bathroom of my life."

Reminds me of the comment I received last week from a friend who saw an old copy of the Journal of the Korean Mathematical Society on my bathroom floor.

(It's even funnier, because she DID go back...)

I was at the car dealership the other morning, and their plasma TV in the waiting lounge went out. None of the customers even cared--we just carried about doing the nothing that we had been.

Anyhow, a salesman noticed it wasn't working, and he wanted to see if he could fix it (probably so he could see some sports scores). While he was pressing buttons and fidgeting with cables, one of the customers says, "It just went black." I quickly chimed in, "I had a girlfriend that did that once."

click here to head straight to the album

The 4th of July in my neighborhood is pretty much the only time where we all congregate in one spot. We all go outside because everyone who buys fireworks buys at least half illegal ones--which are certainly awesome and loud, but we prefer our roofs in the 'not on fire' phase. This year I got some good shots--these were all long exposure, but no colors have been changed. Some fill lighting and contrast have been applied, and I'm far too proud as usual of my work. F'ing sinner.

Chili Jeff A-Go-Go

Jeff and his wife were in town last weekend for some rompin' and carousin'. A few times Jeff and I were left to our own devices (whilst Josie ran around with her curiously shorter smaller filipino sisters). This led to some rather interesting quotes, to say the least, in between marathon sessions of Gems - Wild Tiles.

• Jeff: Can I get some ranch? (for his just-served chicken fingers)
• Scott: Jeff was in the Navy.
• Mike (Rio bartender): You were in the Navy?
• Jeff: I was... Now I'm just a guy who wants some ranch dressing..

• Jeff (watching the World Cup): Who's TUR?
• Scott: Turduckenstan?

• Jeff (to guy restroom, which was unlocked): Sorry, I didn't realize that this was a one toilet restroom...
• Guy: You mean a 'one-holer'?

• Guy (in Diamond lounge): I recognize you guys. You play. Where are you from?
• Scott: He's from California...
• Jeff: San Diego?
• Guy: No...
• Scott: San Jose?
• Guy: (shakes head) You're pros.
• Jeff: We're no good. We'll play you any denomination if you want, though.

And my favorite, recanting a joke: "A guy's son asks him for $50, and he goes 'Forty dollars? Why do you want to borrow thirty dollars? I'm not giving you twenty dollars.'"

Over-Blogging

(this posting will serve as a mostly 'catch-up' post, consisting of quotes from the past several months... thank you, drive through!)

Dr Shiue (on phone): Hello, Scott? Are you awake?


Tia: Oh... The divorce is finalized... So who peed in the cup?


Tia: Why don't you go get medicine? (thanks... pretty sure I'm doing fine!)


Jaidyn (at a buffet): That shrimp tastes disgusting...
Danila: No it's not, it's good...
Jaidyn: It's just that I ate a leg. (spends next five minutes trying to remove it from between her teeth)


Captain of tourboat in San Diego Harbor (soliciting tips): ...it's a maritime tradition...


Jeff: Didn't anyone ever watch Mr. Wizard? (on how the ice caps melting won't raise the sea level)


Aaron (making it to graduation with 3 seconds to spare): Can you do me a huge favor?
Scott: Don't cash this check until June?


Sam's high school math teacher: It's easy... Like Sam...


Scott: You hungry?
Jeani: Usually.


[14:30] hocus704: ttyl.
[14:30] Jeff: what is ttyl?
[14:30] hocus704: tam tam you long, it's Vietnamese for "Talk to you later"
[14:30] hocus704: (kidding)
[14:31] Jeff: LOL TTYL


Pat in an email to the math faculty: Please be advised that this week's (FRIDAY, March 28, 2008 ONLY) set theory seminar will be CANCELLED due to the Boise Extravaganza in Set Theory being held this week.
My email response: Does the phrase "Boise Extravaganza in Set Theory" scare you as much as it does me?


Carcila and I were walking out of the book store to the library. We were stopped by C.K. and her sorority who had hula dancers in bikinis and a giant inflated fabric ball. Donations were being accepted to write on the ball, specifically solicited by C.K... She asked if we were doing anything important in class today, and I told her to skip it. (We were just going to watch a video, I was sick).

C.K.: Yay! I don't have to go to my 4:30 class!
Scott: Class is at 4:00pm...


Scott (at the drivethru): Can I get a Jumbo Jack, no tomato?
Jeff: I'll have a steak melt... Can you put his tomatoes on my steak melt?


Bartender to Jeff: Would you like lemon with your hefewizen?
Jeff: Yeah.
Scott: And I'll have a mozzarella cheese stick with the Harps.


Amanda: Some girl at Walmart came up to me and asked me if I spoke English.
Scott: You don't even look Mexican.
Amanda: I know, right?
Scott: It's because of your mustache.


Sam: I missed your class...
Scott: No you didn't...


Scott: I want a parrot that only says, "Hookers and Blow!"


Erika: I almost spat my muffin out from shock.
Scott: ((disbelief))


Erika (to Daniel): Wanna nibble my muffin?
Scott: ((disbelief))


Branson: I got growled at by a Mexican kid on the bridge... (he didn't buy any chiclets)


Branson: Yeah.... Esta...


Scott (driving on freeway with Jeff in the car): Taxi time!


Jess: A quadrilateral is 4 sides right? ... I'm gonna be a teacher...


Scott: The 4th horseman of the apocalypse... PJ in shorts...


(the following refers to the 'Rope Around the Earth Problem')

John: Dude, just wanted to let you know that storm that you started at the gym yesterday. Vince had finished the benchpress, I'm just getting finished and Keith is just about to start when I pulled the pin on that little gem and tossed it into the middle of the group. We had two other guys there come and get in on "the discussion." Two registered engineers, one registered electrical engineer, one mechanical engineer, and one McDonald's drivethru window waiter (me). We finally proved that you were right. bugger.
Scott: F'ing mathematicians... Every time...

Jaidyn (to her father): I knew it was you because... Look... You do dumb stuff like that...

Fun with Tia

Poor Tia happens to be going through divorce #2. That doesn't mean we can't still make funnies. Last night we went out to dinner, and then to drinks/music at McMullan's Irish Pub.

Stop #1: Chandelier - A Greek/Indian restaurant with great ambiance, high prices, tasty food, and most importantly, a waiter with a Decepticon tattoo on his inner forearm. His name was Shawn. Long live Deceptishawn!

On the way to Stop #2:
Tia - I think I'm going to go to the Goddess Temple tomorrow
Scott - Ooh, ooh, ooh--Ask me!
Tia - Do you want to g..((Scott interrupts))
Scott - NO!

Raffle Kharma

My parents and I were invited to attend a party at the local pub they frequent. It's the same place that if my parents aren't home, and aren't out of town--they're probably at this place.

Anyhow.

It turns out it was a big celebratory bash, with lots of food, drinks, and prizes. Oh, and don't forget about the sterility-causing karaoke. You can only complain after you've tried it, so I made sure to sing one of the first few songs with a friend of my parents, "Low Places." You can imagine how badly I wanted to heckle the other patrons if, me, of all people... was singing country.

So that went well.

Now, when we showed up, the manager of the place requested that we all write questions on slips of paper in regards to the place--as it was the 11th anniversary of the establishment. We had ZERO idea how these questions would be used. It was stated that we didn't even have to know the answer.

I looked at my dad and said, "What's the maximum occupancy of this place?", knowing that there were no signs posted. His eyes got big, indicating that I'd made a good one, but I wouldn't dare write it down. He did.

Turns out, the questions were posed to patrons in exchange for lavish gifts--everything from expensive bottles of liquor, to tickets to Cher, expensive gift certificates, and whatnot. The question did not come up.

Towards the end of the gala, there were still three lavish gifts to hand out, and the patrons were wanting it over. They'd endured karaoke (imagine Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody being butchered), and lots of these questions. People were voting for it to be over.

Cindy, one of the bartenders, wouldn't have this. She wanted one more question in exchange for a prize.

Who's name gets picked? -c'est moi-.

What question was it? Yes. I pulled the question from a gift bag, and immediately recognized my dad's handwriting, and with the entire crowd of one hundred watching, I let my dad read the question. We played dumb. I handed the question to the manager who read it aloud. She immediately raised her eyebrows and said, "whoever wrote this was very sour." She said that she knew the answer, but nobody else in the place did. She asked the crowd if I could get a new question, and they all agreed, because the 'jerk that wrote it' was just wrong. Thankfully, I had only thought of the question, I didn't write it down!

I pulled another question out, and fortunately whoever had written the question had also written the answer on the card--because I didn't know the address of the place. I smiled and handed her the question, and she smiled slyly, and asked. Of course, I answered correctly.

"What are the odds of picking the question that you had asked?" wondered my parents aloud.

Umm, perhaps I'm supposed to know the answer to that--but I'm chocking it all up to kharma.

Now, just how am I supposed to spend $250 on dinner at Del Frisco's?

LOLcats

So, I'm a huge fan of funny cat pictures. I have no explanation for it, sorry.


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I Can Haz Cheeseburger?

Stuff on My Cat

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